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Cuffing season is HERE which means you’ve probably got at least 3 Bumble dates lined up, a promising Hinge conversation going, and a blind date set up by your mom. We get it, it be like that every fall. And since men are trash you’re going on seemingly endless first dates without a hope in sight and it’s exhausting.
It’s hard to tell from a profile how the date will go. You don’t know from the cute puppy in his photo that he’s going to arrive half an hour late. Or that he’s actually unemployed and expecting you to pay because of his occupation of “writer at writer.” Or that he’s going to be a self-imposing narcissist because he has a headshot as one of his photos. Actually that one was pretty obvious.
But you can *always* tell how a date is going to go based on the lashes you wear. This is obviously not a self fulfilling prophecy, this is real lash science, which is totally a thing. Totally.
Outcome: He thought he was gonna take you somewhere low budget. He thought. But then he saw you and changed the entire night. He realized his minimal effort ways would not fly with a confident baddie like you. You’ll be amused the entire night as he endlessly tries to impress you and prove his worthiness. He’ll ask for a second date way early on and text you as soon as you get home to slyly follow up.
Outcome: He’s going to treat you exactly like the name suggests and like the queen you are. We’re talking door to door Uber service, opening doors, and pulling out chairs for you. He’ll take you to an exclusive restaurant that’s usually booked up, but he pulled some strings. You’ll laugh over a glass of wine with a high rise view of the city behind you. He’ll be effortlessly charming and will have an ever present twinkle in his eye. He’ll ask for a kiss at the end of the night, but you’ll smile coyly and promise a second date instead.
Lash: Miami in Faux Mink
Outcome: He’s going to notice your lashes immediately and for a second, you’re worried this is going to be a non-starter. He explains that he’s a vegan and this could be a deal breaker for him. You almost laugh in his face, but stop yourself before telling him you’re also vegan and these are FAUX mink. You spend the rest of the date talking about your shared love of animals and debating the merits of plant-based burgers. You share a scooter home and agree to adopt a dog together next weekend.