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If we had a dollar for every girl with a bad break up story, we’d have our own champagne vending machine. And if we had a quarter for every girl that’s been cheated on, we’d have one in every room. Take a random poll next time you go out if you don’t believe us, but be prepared for strangers to want to tell you their sob stories all night.
Point is, almost all of us (but literally ALL OF US) have been through a completely earth shattering, utterly devastating breakup before. They say you need a week for every month you were together to get over it, but some of us don’t have that kind of time! For women’s sake everywhere, let’s talk about the quickest ways to get over a breakup (and which one actually works).
The Ice Cream Method
You’ve likely already tried this one. Eat your weight in ice cream, scream watch The Notebook, only listen to your “sad girl stuff” playlist. Your wardrobe is now anything that matches your gravity blanket and your Postmates delivery person is the only human you willingly interact with. Basically nurse the 200lb hole in your heart by feeling really sorry for yourself.
This may be our first instinct, but its counterintuitive. All that time spent in fetal position, you’re only thinking about your failed relationship and inhibiting your own healing. Breakups are hard, but you’re only making it harder by isolating yourself and choosing unhealthy habits. Plus, there’s no way you can eat that much dairy at once.
The Clementine Model
For this one you’ve gotta track down Lacuna Inc. in New York. After a quick consultation, you can undergo a procedure to erase all of your memories of the relationship. Everyone in your life gets sent a letter so they know what’s up and to never talk to you about that person. Truly so convenient.
Of course the downside is when your brain fights against you to cling onto the memories and tricks you into meeting your ex in Montauk and starting a relationship again. Or unbeknownst re-kindling. And of course the fact that this is the plot to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and not a real thing, makes it difficult to come by. In a perfect world, Lacuna is making it easy to forget.
The Foolproof Lilly Lashes Way
There’s only one quick and simple way to move on from heartbreak: throw on some official mink falsies and remind yourself, you’re a bad b*tch.
You can’t cry if you have lashes on. You’re going to hold your head high and exude confidence and coolness and be unbothered. A pair of Miami’s or Goddess’ will remind them, you were amazing before them and will continue to thrive without them. Another heart broken in your wake and another one on the line with a bat of your flirtatious Doha lashes.
In the immortal words of Carly Rae Jepsen, “I think I broke up with my boyfriend today and I don’t really care.”